Meeting The Buddha
My arrival to the west, to the United States of America, in my mind was that of an escape. I was actually running away from failure and looking for a new start. I will not go into details about my failures back home in Bhutan. Lets just say that there were certain understandable expectations that I did not meet and if I had stayed home, there would not have been anything I could have done to make my Family proud. And so, without any difficulty what so ever, due to the far sightedness of my wise and kind Mother, I came to America around June or July of 2012 where I would eventually meet the Buddha.
What I mean to say is that it was only after my arrival to the west, I started to become more curious about Buddha Dharma. My first motivation to learn about the Buddha and his teachings was very selfish. A few blocks from where I lived then, under the awning of a shop I just exited, as I was about to light a cigarette, a woman standing near the door asked if she could have a light as well. As my thumb turned the wheel of the lighter to start a fire for her cigarette, she sparked up a conversation that would change my life forever. We started with our names as people usually do and then about where we were from. I don’t know how I managed to tell her that I was a Buddhist but I remember vaguely a sense of pride when I told her, “I am a Buddhist.” That pride quickly changed into feelings of shame when I found out she knew more about Buddhism than I did. In fact, I knew nothing. It has been 9 years since then so I don’t recall our exact conversations but what I do remember is the feeling of shame and thinking, “Here is a pchilingpa (outsider) who knows more about my religion than I do, I must do better”. And hence as I was saying, my first motivation to learn Buddha Dharma was about out smarting the Pchilingpas.
It must have been a year after The conversation that my second motivation or connection with Buddha Dharma triggered. I was 23 years old, working in a stationary store, paying my bills, Having “fun” as I rightfully should or so I thought and I had completely given up on the idea of going back to school. But my life style was making one very important person in my life unhappy — My Mother. Torn between “doing what I want” and keeping loved ones happy, I wouldn’t say I was depressed but I was quite unhappy. I cannot put into words the feelings I felt but if I had to describe it, I would say it was very suffocating. Not being able to live life of your choosing to make your loved ones happy is in my opinion very smothering. Of course, over time I realized the life I was living did not have the potential to bring out the best in me. I realized how selfish I was to ignore advises of my saintly mother whose intention had been nothing but purely for my own benefit. I still remember the moment when I said to my self, “I need to change”. It was a Cold winter Afternoon, my mother visited me out of the blue. My breath must have been a mix of cigarettes’ and weed. My apartment was in a basement and I never really cleaned so it must have created an impression in her head she previously did not think of me. I offered to drop her to the station as she was leaving- I do not recall much conversation as we walked towards the station. She must have been thinking a lot because, as we neared the station she broke down. Now I had never seen my mother cry until then so it really had a big impact on me. She would in my mind endure hell and never shed a tear. But in that moment, to see my strong compassionate mother break down cracked open the shell I was living in and through the cracks, a voice ushered in saying, “I must be doing something wrong”. As a Buddhist, not just a Buddhist but as a human being, admitting fault is the first step of moving forward. And looking back at that moment, I am grateful my mother chose to cry instead of choosing to be strong, because I don’t know if that would have had the same effect and made me realize, “I need to change.”
I knew I needed to change but change how? I wanted to be happy and I wanted my mom to be happy but I knew that my idea of happiness did not align with that of my mothers so I did not really know how to proceed. I did not know what to look for so I called up a friend who could at least help point at a direction. His name was/is Druksel Dorji, A friend since junior high when we were only 13 years of age. I knew he was in Seattle, WA and he was the only friend I could think of calling and ask for guidance. He immediately prescribed me some books. And like a sick person who would not ignore to take his/her medicine, I dove into the books to find an answer. The books as you might have guessed it where all related to Buddhism/spirituality. I think the books were of tremendous help but It was also about that time, around March 2014, I met my ex-girlfriend, Tsering Yangzom. We broke up around September of 2016 (obviously my fault). I lived my happiest days when I was with her and I never really gave her much credit. I always thought that my studies in Buddhist philosophy were paying off as I seem to have more control over my Mind but that did not seem to be the case. It was in fact the presence of this woman, who created such Joy and Blissful atmosphere that I was under the illusion of being the illuminator. The illusion was more evident just months after our separation. “Where did all my insights go?” “Where did all my wise thoughts fade?” The illuminator did not know how to illuminate. From the perspective of a spiritual growth, My biggest mistake of ending things with her was a good thing because so many things got revealed to me about myself. But from a human point of view, which I often am, I lost half of myself.
Life is not a movie. It is something we all say but only few understand. Even if we understood, it takes a lot to change or try to change how we think and behave. I have learned big words and big ideas and often I think I’ve only inflated the ego. But often do I also think that I have come across an Authentic Antidote to egolessness. This year marks at least to me personally the 9th year of being enthusiastic and passionate about learning and Understanding the Buddha Dharma although I have been a Buddhist my entire life. To say I understand Buddha Dharma is to say I understand myself which is far from the truth. I only know of “me” in situations and experiences I have had, I do not know the “me” in circumstances that I have not yet been in. Or I have already experienced every thing a long time ago and its just as Buddhist say, “Different life, same bullshit”. And so this is where i am right now, aspiring to have a mind that is utterly tired of living life in a circle all the while I wake up, eat, go to work, sleep and repeat. And aspiring a mind that completely turn towards Dharma all the while I enjoy a delicious piece of steak with some fine wine.
